It’s 12:31am and although I should be sleeping my mind is running at a million miles a second. Though this may not be important, I think that what I’m about to write is worth sharing, so bear with me as I ramble.
Since my last blog post I’ve had more time on my hands than usual and although you haven’t been seeing the fruit of my “labor,” this girl has been writing. As I read over my posts, I’ve noticed how surface-level my writing has been, and because of that they’ve remained locked inside my journal. I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m portraying an “I’ve got it all figured out” persona (+ I definitely don’t have it figured out,) and there’s so much more I’d like to share. However, I’ve had this mental block up that has prevented me from being as raw and authentic as I would like to be. The more I think about this, the more I realize that I have not completely healed from past struggles.
When I “found Christ” I was at the lowest point in my life, so far. I was a senior in high school and I was going through what felt like hell. My family dynamic was changing, secrets I thought would never come to light were making their grand appearance, I didn’t feel comfortable confiding in friends or family and I literally wore a mask 24/7, basically. I would act like I was happy and everything was okay but there were times I couldn’t mask the pain and would break down, literally everywhere; in class, on my way home, in the shower…Everywhere. I couldn’t understand how I could have a bunch of people that cared about me but still felt empty and alone. This dark and cold period is where I found God. If you know me personally, you know that I describe my coming to Christ as “Jesus saving me,” because that’s exactly what it was. He placed people in my life who subtly introduced me to the love of Christ, and through these people, I saw first hand what it looked like to live with the Joy that Christ provides. This encouraged me to pursue Christ and seek that Joy in my own life.
“Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright and the determined choice to praise God in EVERY situation.” -Rick Warren
You know the line in “You Waited” by Travis Greene that says “Where would l be if you left me… I don’t wanna know?” That fully describes how I feel. If Christ didn’t swoop in and comfort through my tribulation I probably would have crashed and burned by now. After all this “drama,” I began to seek a closer relationship with Christ by getting to know him through his word and looking closely at people I knew that were living a faith-driven life. As I did these things, I literally sat back as Jesus began a transformation process in my life; a process that replaced my sorrow with peace and joy. Feeling this newfound joy left me with the impression that the past was the past and I could simply continue in my new life, let’s just say I had the wrong impression. Although I was feeling the Joy of Christ, that did not negate my need to work through the issues that caused me so much pain.
There is still so much healing to be done in my life. I know this because there are parts of my story that I still can’t talk about. There are sinful tendencies I thought I was freed from that have returned without welcome. I still carry around anger that should have been left at the altar. + I’m walking around with baggage that can and will be removed, with God’s help.
As a new believer, ( I feel like I will never stop being a new believer lol) I have been under the impression that healing as a Christian ends at prayer, and I’m learning that this just hits the surface.
In the same way that faith without works is dead, (James 2:17) prayer without action is not an effective way to pursue healing. Healing in this season looks so contrary to what I believed it was in the past.
Healing looks like opening up and seeking Godly counsel and accountability from sisters in Christ (which is such a step out my comfort zone but absolutely necessary.)
Healing looks attempting to rebuild my self- esteem
Healing looks like meditating on God’s promise to heal
Healing looks like praying and literally releasing my frustrations to Christ
Oh healing, if I’m honest, I’ve never encountered a task this uncomfortable. I battle wanting to forget this entire process and continue living a life inside my comfort zone but I know that doing this will only continue to stunt my growth. This process is teaching me so much about myself, including the tendency I have to give up on myself in uncomfortable situations. For this, I acknowledge my need for help, community, and most importantly trust in God. Lately, I’ve been meditating on Psalm 147:3 which says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Although this process is a struggle and I have no idea when the journey will end, I find peace in knowing that the same God that saved my life can and will heal me from the wounds of my past.
From: A Christian girl struggling to heal